Ghost In The Machine

The Case

Lesson #1: If you make a computer smart enough it will eventually try to kick your ass. Lesson #2: Cheaters never win and sometimes they die tragic elevator related deaths. Lesson #3: Any problem can be solved with enough gunfire - even a giant ventilation fan.

I'm sorry Mulder, I'm afraid I can't do that.

The Evidence

Okay so it’s HAL in building form meets a sort of Steve Jobs/Bill Gates amalgamation… or something like that.

The truth (gasp! The TRUTH!) is that I couldn’t care less about this episode. So Mulder’s got a poor ill-fated incompetent sneaky old partner. Who cares about these pathetic attempts at back stories… this hardly qualifies as a monster episode so get to the mythology ones already!

Well Deep Throat’s back and actually doing something useful… so that’s kind of cool I guess…. Eh, I’m still bored…

In the meantime, please enjoy this “outtake” from one of the elevator scenes:

PS This episode had absolutely nothing to do with René Descartes.

Shadows

The Case

A boss gets his secretary the best Administrative Professionals' Day gift ever in the form of postmortem telekinetic murders. Mulder doesn't understand that if the CIA agents stop acting super unnecessarily shady then the terrorists have won. Scully still doesn't believe but she's not above faking it.

Investigating is hard sexy work.

The Evidence

Check out the bad photoshopping job on that fake Clinton photo. Ahhh the Clinton years, how I miss thee….

The main guest character in this episode looks really really familiar… I imdb-ed her but I think she’s just one of those frequent guest stars on everything actresses (ack! My So-Called Life! That’s the show I know her from… god I miss that program…)

Oh the Mulder/Scully witty banter is finally clicking into place.

More flannel and microfiche in this one. Love the datedness of it all.

Insert cliché grave digger man in local cemetery. Check!

Mulder’s finally got a cell phone!

Jebus, my so-called life chick is screaming bloody murder inside her house… could Mulder and Scully get out of the car ANY slower??

Blah blah flying papers… Scully misses all the good paranormal stuff as usual. This episode kind of sucks actually.

And of course the bad guy hid his super secret bad guy computer disk behind the wall paper in his office. Does he have to re-wall paper every time he needs the disk??

Awwww old “you’ve got a friend in…” PA license plates… I feel all nostalgic now…

Jersey Devil

The Case

Mulder hangs out with some homeless people, a few inmates, and a cannibal cavewoman (in that order) while visiting the great state of New Jersey. Scully gets a life but abandons it all within the course of one episode. I get a friendly reminder to never bear children by way of Scully's godson's birthday party.

Butchering popular local legends can cause increased appetite.

The Evidence

For the record, I don’t remember this episode being particularly good, but I used to be completely spooked by the idea of the Jersey Devil (or maybe it was just Jersey in general) so I’m kinda stoked.

Yessss… the first appearance of Mulder’s porn.

Awww poor Scully has to drive back to DC from AC all alone. Suck it up bitch, I drove from Philly to DC eight billion times alone when I was in college.

Scully with a life outside of work… it’s just so hard for me to believe… talking with friends about parenting and blahblahblah – it makes me want to fast forward the DVD. Oh god and if I’m not mistaken, there’s a date with a horrible outfit coming up in this episode too.

Geez, even this fake Atlantic City pseudo skid row looks cleaner than the actual New Jersey.

So the homeless dude gives Mulder a drawing that looks suspiciously like some artwork I did in kindergarten and Mulder gives him the key to his hotel room in exchange? I mean, I know Mulder’s all about absurd leaps of faith and wouldn’t mind sleeping in an alley, but isn’t all of his stuff (that he probably wants to see again) in that hotel room?

The AC PD really just mistook mr. clean-shaven-suit-wearing-oh-so-dreamy Fox Mulder for a homeless guy?? Niiiiice work.

Oh god, it’s the date. It’s the outfit. High waisted pants. Ugly lacy shirt. Oooh at least Scully's got a pager now… seriously, how long before they get their cell phones??

Ahahahah Mulder's looking at another kindergarten drawing and this one has man breasts! Oh wait. I get it. I think he thinks it’s a girl monster. Too bad, I liked the man breast idea better.

Wait, where did Mulder and Scully both just tumble roll out of? Is it really important to tumble roll down out of or off of something when searching an abandoned warehouse type place? Couldn’t they have just jumped down instead?

Hey Scully’s got a cell phone now – why didn’t she use that before at the restaurant?

Dude they totally just showed naked monster girl’s ass as she was running through the woods. But after she’s shot dead there are some nice strategically placed leaves over her naughty parts.

Cirque de Solei? Run Scully run!!! And why is Mulder requisitioning a car to go to the Smithsonian?? It’s like less then 10 blocks down the street from their office…

Conduit

The Case

A girl goes missing near lake boogiewoogie in Iowa, thanks to either aliens or some hells angels. Her little brother gets to hone his talent as a binary artist while she's gone. Mulder misses his sister... a lot.

This is what happens when a boy thinks about his sister while rasterbating.

The Evidence

So I totally just realized that Gillian Anderson was younger than I am now when she was filming these episodes. I feel old.

Why are they talking to this chick through the bookshelf at the public library? I mean, why don’t they just walk around to the other side of the stack?? Honestly, what they’re doing looks wayyyyy more suspicious than just having a nice little normal chit chat.

Oooh shirtless Mulder.

These agents really never get to see the inside of a holiday inn or anything do they? It’s always random sketchy motels. And always the ground floor too. I hate the ground floor… headlights shining in through your window, NSA agents busting through your door… seriously, how would the series have turned out differently if they had just written a couple of second floor rooms into the script.

I’ll be honest, I’m multitasking a little and I’m really not following a good chunk of the plot here… but oh, just look at how troubled Mulder is…

Lots of running through the foggy tropical forests of Iowa in this one. I didn’t realize that Vancouver had foggy tropical forests either…

Poor David Duchovny had a wicked case of razor burn in this one by the way. Either that or he’s a before picture in one of those proactiv infomercials. The makeup people did a good job, but something is still wonky…

Why is Mulder all weepy in a random church at the end? The weepy part I get… but random empty church??

Wait, did they really go two Iowa twice in the first four episodes? I just noticed that I wrote about Iowa in "Deep Throat" as well. I'm too lazy to go back and check (i.e. I have too many episodes on DVD to still watch), but didn't Chris Carter know that there are plenty of other non-descript mid-western states he could have chosen from?

Squeeze

The Case

Eugene Victor Tooms has a wicked craving for liver and he's not going to let any air vents or chimney pipes stand in his way. Scully's academy buddy picks on Mulder despite having no idea what liver and onions go for on Reticula. An old guy in a wheelchair talks way too fucking much.

Dude, it's like the opening credits in the middle of the show!

The Evidence

Okay have I actually seen any of these episodes before?? I mean I must have, right? I know I got into it a season or so late, but re-runs, syndication, yadda yadda…? Yet everything feels so new to me!

Hey how come Mulder’s badge has him facing the camera head on in his photo, but Scully’s has her sort of turned to the side? Are there like glamour shots when they’re taking the ID photos or something??

Tooms tooms tooms tooms tooms… that name has always reminded me of toonces the driving cat…

Scully’s hair looks really good pulled back. It makes me sad to think of what her hair is going to look like for the next year or so though…

And dude, the FBI is like high school. And Scully’s classmates are the cool kids. Boooo cool kids.

What the hell was Mulder just doing playing with scully’s necklace (and no it wasn’t that damn cross necklace)? Was that some sort of adlib to fix a costume flub? Or was he actually supposed to do that?

Oh and look, Scully’s purse is back… she must be on the rag.

You know the cool kid rival FBI agent kind of looks like Conan O’Brien when he’s angry. Only he’s less ambiguously sexy than Conan is.

Microfiche flying by on the screen montage. They may as well just show time lapse photography of clock hands advancing or calendar pages flipping off the wall. Boy they sure are working hard.

Oooh one of the opening credits scenes. Busting through the door with their flashlights looking all invesigate-y.

Whoa, Scully totally just tucked her gun right into the front of her pants. I guess she didn’t have that supposed holster in the small of her back yet (which incidentally I never really believed existed anyway, because once they started putting her in tighter suits you totally would have been able to see it, plus it’s like the most inaccessible place in the world to keep your gun.)

Wait, if this Tooms guy is Stretchy McsSretcherson why can’t he just weasel out the handcuffs they just put on him??

Deep Throat

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Pilot

The Case

Bad things happen to good kids in Oregon. Mulder shows Scully why they put the I in FBI and Scully shows Mulder her skivvies. CSM is ominous and silent... thereby weighing in as the least annoying character in the episode.

So, who'd you tick off to get stuck reading this blog?

The Evidence

I am sitting here squeeeing as I cue up the pilot. And it occurs to me that I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen the pilot in it’s entirety. Nelson is here with me but part of me wishes I was alone because I am just *that* crazy.

Ohmygod that pseudo jewish accent and salmon joke Mulder just did was horrendous. Thank god he remained religiously ambiguous for the rest of the show.

The outfits… sooooooo early 90s.

Good god neither of these actors knows how to make handling a gun look realistic yet.

Wow I never was all that impressed with Mark Snow’s music … but I’m really missing it from so many of the scenes in this one.

Hee hee Mulder is so manic… and Scully wears granny panties.

The overacting is so baaaaaad… how did I manage to get hooked on this show?? Seriously, they’re just yelling at each other the whole time. Yelling yelling yelling… in their button up denim shirts.

And so begin the plot loopholes… what the hell just happened? Swirling leaves? dissapearing marks on backs? Aliens or no aliens? What the fuck?

Scully never really carries a purse after this episode, huh? I wonder where she carries her tampons… although, maybe after the aliens messed with her uterus, she never really got her period…

CSM is so menacing and un-canadian in this.

PS – now that I’ve figured out how to go back and watch them, the deleted scenes were stupid. And I’m glad they were deleted. Scully with her cheesy plastic boyfriend? Whatever. Mulder and Scully forevah!!!